Jerry Seinfeld used to do a joke, or I did the joke while doing my Jerry Seinfeld impersonation, or someone else did the joke while doing their Seinfeld impersonation.

Anyway, I’m over explaining.

The joke goes: “If the plane’s black box is indestructible, why not make the whole plane out of the black box?” (asked with incredulity).

I think that’s a Seinfeld joke. I told a version that went something like “If the airplane food is so bad, why not make it out of the black box?”

I know, I’m hilarious, and over explaining again.

As we all know, there was a recent “attempt” on Trump’s life. Now, the gunman was never in the same room as the president and JD Vance was extracted from the situation before Trump and…I’m over explaining.

The fallout from the whole thing: you see, Trump can’t just be out and about in a hotel conference room for a ceremony. He needs a safe space in which to operate.

A new fucking ballroom.

You might have heard of it as it is the only topic he’s ever spoken consistently about over the course of his two terms. Well, semi-consistently- it has gone from costing $200 million to $400 million to $1 billion and has gone from being paid for by donors to being paid for by tax dollars. In a country that can’t afford education, health care and housing this is practically a steal!

So here is the question- if a ballroom is so secure that it can protect the most exhausting and infuriating person in history from his haters, why not build the whole plane out of a ballroom?

No, sorry, why don’t we build everything out of ballrooms? Instead of giving thoughts and prayers to future dead school children why not have them go to school in super secure ballrooms? Then they can grow up and kill kids in other countries before they fully develop their own ballroom technology.

You know what was great for the economy? The cold war. Between the spending on bombs and trying to get into outer space, jobs were plentiful and the country thrived. The new ballroom race will not only be a boon for the economy, but also the first step in Making America Great Again.

Anyway, here is what you missed this week:Gecko Is Always Welcome: A few weeks ago I was sitting at my desk, writing, when I looked up and saw a gecko sitting on my window screen, enjoying a cool night breeze. We consider geckos our friends and always try to capture them and release them into the garden. This guy escaped under the bed and was never seen again. I hope he’s okay, I wrote this for him.

The Incredibly Worthless Work History of Caroline G. Hempsted: I forgot what inspired me to write this— I probably saw something stupid on LinkedIn (impossible, right?) or someone bragging about their stupid easy job that pays a stupid amount of money. Or, more realistically, I was thinking about my own incredibly worthless work history (Walgreen! Office Depot!). Anyway, work is stupid and for suckers. I’m going to go smoke a cigarette and drink some rum muddled with fresh mangoes. It is currently 9 a.m., have fun at work.

What I’m reading this week:A Parade of Horribles- Matt Dinnman: Book 8 of the Dungeon Crawler Carl series dropped on Tuesday and I’m bound and determined to see it through. I’m about as far in as I was on The Broom of the System last week so….sure soldid reviews for all of these coming next week. The Business of Being a Writer- Jane Friedman: Here is the thing. If the internet finds out you’re doing something you will get inundated with offers, courses and insights (for a fee) on doing the thing you’re trying to do. As a writer I can’t believe how many people make $500k a year doing ghost writing and for just $1500 they’ll teach me all of their secrets. Anyway, this book was recommended and I was able to get it for free. Do I think it will help me? Probably not, but I didn’t pay for it so that’s a win of sorts.The Broom of the System- David Foster Wallace: I lied last week when I said I would have a review this week. So sue me. This is what I get for trying to read three books at a time.

The Brewers went 6-1 since last week’s update. All of the big bats are back. They swept the Yankees for the first time since I was a teenager and they moved right back into striking distance of first place with 3 games against the division leading Cubs next week. The one loss was a blown lead by the bullpen in the 9th so late inning pitching is my new worry (see, there is never no worries).

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